Saturday, April 17, 2010

Day 91: Second Trimester

I am now 91 days into this birthing project, which I guess officially puts me in my second trimester.  I hadn't realized that until I went to title this post today, but it explains a lot about how I've been feeling lately.

The "bloom is off the rose" as people say.  The initial excitement of beginning this project -- both the play and the blog -- has waned.  I am at the toughest point in the journey in many ways: no longer at the beginning, all fresh and motivated and excited, but also not close enough to the end to feel that added momentum you feel when the finish line is in sight.  I'm at mile 9 of a marathon, and I feel the temptation to stop and walk sometimes.

I'm finding it harder to prioritize writing, both the play and the blog (as you have no doubt noticed the last couple of weeks).  Sleep needs and relationship needs are pulling at my already heavily divided time.  I have to admit though, I'm mostly ok with that.  My life is going remarkably well these days.  My voice studio has gone from 1 student to 17 in the last 6 months.  I am absolutely loving helping these talented people become better versions of themselves, and can't wait to see them perform at the recital I am planning for them in May.  While I still want to double that number over the next 6 months so I can be entirely self-employed (ping me if you are looking for a teacher!), it is an immense relief to be able to breathe financially.  On top of that, I have incredible friends, am more in love with my best-boyfriend-ever every day, and keep meeting more amazing artistic people to collaborate (or just connect) with all the time. 

There are times I am not ok with it, when the BEAST I wrote about on Day 83 gnaws at my insides and tells me I'm not doing enough and I'm wasting time (and therefore my life).  But I think I'm getting better at accepting the fact that my beast will always want more, will always make me feel like I'm not doing enough, and to actually be glad of that.  My performing/writing partner Kat sent me an article  called Welcoming Desire that really helped bring this home for me:

"What if we could welcome desire?  We could view it just as an invitation to move in a certain direction, an invitation we are free to accept or to decline.  Isn't it nice to receive an invitation for something you want to do, even if you can't make it?"

So while I had hoped by my second trimester I would be further along in my play than I am, I am so grateful that I have had the desire to do this.  I have known people in my life who never really knew what they wanted, who had no strong pulls in any particular direction, but yet who also weren't happy with where they were.  As I have witnessed, that makes for a miserable person.  I would so much rather be troubled by too much desire than not enough.

Maybe I will get my play done by October.  Maybe I won't.  Fortunately this isn't a real baby so it's ok if it stays in the incubation chamber a little longer.  And who knows, I still have another 175 days to go.  A lot of writing can happen between now and then. 

Thank you for being a witness to this process.   I look forward to sharing the fruits of my labor  -- whatever they may be -- with you.
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